So, guess what? I do not understand men! I know this is a shock to everyone. I'm sure I'm the only female on Earth who has this problem. I don't know if I've said this before, but I'm going to say it anyway - Why did God make men and women soooo different and expect us to get along? Just a word of advice to any man that may read this - Do NOT ask a woman you know really likes you what she is doing "tomorrow evening" and then suggest possibly getting together and then NOT contact her at all!

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that's just... mean.

Wow, a lot has happened in the last several days. I have discovered that I need time to process things and I should never open my mouth until I have taken the time to process!

The hurt I was feeling at my last post is... gone. The self doubt is there, but diminishing. God is working on me and I am letting him. HE is taking care of me and I'm letting him.

I have admitted that the thing I have been most upset about these last several days is that I am now truly alone. No one is living in my house but me. There is no one depending on me to come home and maybe fix dinner or do laundry or get the mail or any of those things that have driven me crazy for the last 27 years. There is a small dog here, but he knows better than to depend on me!!

I've never been afraid to be by myself. I've always said I could live alone and be fine. That was easy to say when I thought that was never a true possibility. Now that it is reality it's hard to take in. Two important people in my life "left me" in the same week! That made for a very emotional week for me! I've had to admit to my fear and anger about it and acknowledge how vulnerable I am.

I turned to God and cried and prayed and then did it all again. I also turned to my amazing friends. Everyday I have felt better and stronger. Also, the two people who "left me" have been in my life pretty much about the same amount they've always been in it! The difference is that I'm not depending on them for my happiness! I plan my day with me in mind and no one else. I am taking responsibility for my happiness. I never realized how much I depended on others to make me feel fulfilled. I am responsible for myself. I put a burden on others when I depend on them, even when I don't realize that's what I'm doing, to make me happy. It's a different way of looking at things...

Well, things didn't work out the way I had hoped. My friend has backed off. I did get to apologize and the apology was accepted. Actually, he laughed at the fact that I was apologizing. Apparently he didn't think I'd been mean or out of line. Whatever.

Now I have to do what I said I'd do last night. I have to trust in God's plan. I have to trust that what my friend told me is true. I have to trust that this horrible feeling of hurt is leading to a new, wonderful phase in my life.

God promises that if we trust Him, peace and happiness will be ours. I'm not sure why we have to hurt so much to be happy, but sometimes we do.

On another note, today was not all hurt filled. In my last post I mentioned having to forgive people. This morning I called and told someone I forgive him and hope he will eventually forgive me. I told him I want him to be happy. I didn't get the response I expected, but you know what, I have felt such joy and peace since that conversation! It is awesome knowing that I can and will experience that feeling again. I just wish it would hurry and get here!!

Well, I've had one hell of a weekend. I pretty much screwed things up in my life by being completely selfish and by feeling sorry for myself and by jumping to conclusions and the list could go on and on. However, a very dear friend told me to stop being or more specifically stop saying such negative things, so I will stop.

I finally heard God. He had to hit me over the head and scare the crap out of me, but I heard him. I have to forgive some people and be honest with some other people and forgive myself and things will be great in my life. He's only been trying to get me to do this for a while now, but I've been going about it in my own way and at my own speed. SO, He stepped in yesterday. Whew! It had been building and I'd even been warned, but ya know I'm only human!

Seriously though, God about took away someone very special to me. Actually, He may still take him away, but at least I've been given a chance to apologize and try to convince my friend that I'm worth keeping! I will trust God with the whole matter.

I'm going to also forgive those people who have hurt me. That will be tough, but I will do it and mean it. I will be honest about the whole thing and hope I am forgiven too.

Trust God, humble yourself, and all things will be right in your world!

I can not stand not knowing...

There are so many things to put at the end of that sentence! Right now it's the fact that I don't know where I stand with someone. I don't know this person completely, but what I've learned in the past couple of months makes this whole situation so strange. Whatever is going on doesn't excuse the fact that we should all use common courtesies. When your asked a direct question you should give an answer. When a friend asks something of you, you should give them an answer one way or the other.

I've decided that I will get to the bottom of this situation, even if it brings some personal hurt. Hopefully there will not be hurt involved, but I would rather risk hurt than continue feeling like I do now. This is where, once again, I must trust God! I must trust that His plan is perfect and I will be happier when it's revealed. Intellectually I know all that, but emotionally, man, it's hard.

Thanks to my wonderful friends for supporting me today. You know who you are and I love you!

Ok, yesterday was not a good day for me. I am better today. I am feeling stronger, but I still have some doubt. Every time I feel the doubt coming in, I ask God for strength and I've felt Him.

I do find myself second guessing though.

I am over thinking every thing, I think! I don't like knowing where things are going or if things have stopped! So weird. That's where faith comes in. My mantra today has been, "no doubt, trust God, give it to God..."

I will continue to chant!

Oh my lord, will my doubting ever end!!!

I am so tired of doubting and and worrying over the dumbest things. I pray for faith and to have the strength to "give it to God," but I struggle.

I know some of it's human nature, but I have friends that give their car away because they have faith that God will provide for them and here I am worrying over relationships and being alone. That is pathetic! One day I am feeling great and good about myself and the next I doubt my worth or how others view me.

I am having a pity party tonight...

My head hurts and I can feel depression setting in. Is this God testing me...

Please say a prayer for me. I will return the favor!

Things in my life have changed drastically in the last year. I'm still amazed at the affects these changes have had on me. I look back at my life last year at this time and where it is right now and can't wait to see where things are next year at this time!

I can't decide if I have a little control or no control at all over my life! I know I have some control over basic things, but that's really it. So much of what goes on with any of us depends on other people and the choices they make. You'd think at my age I'd have some idea of how to handle things/people, but really I don't. People continue to amaze me. We are really selfish creatures. I don't say this out of anger. It's just true. I try not to be selfish, but I can see where some people would think I am.

I'm just rambling tonight. There are lots of things going through my mind...

I want answers about many different things. I'm not enjoying "the minute." I'm not listening for or trusting in God's plan. I am doubting myself too. I don't know...

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." Stacy London, What Not To Wear, said that tonight, but she is not the originator. She couldn't remember who said it first, BUT, I love it!!!!!! Nothing could be more true!

Think about it. Think about the feeling you have when you finally accomplish something you've been putting off, fearing, dreading, etc. That feeling is amazing because you got past the comfort of not putting yourself in a place you hadn't been before. You realize your not going to die because you did something you thought would be... whatever you thought it would be!

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." LOVE IT!

It's my goal to get to the end of my comfort zone everyday!

Again, it's been a while since I've blogged, but I've been putting my time to good use! I continue to work on gaining faith and trust in God and myself. I'm doing pretty good! It's taken me a while and I'm still working, but oh my gosh, it's so worth it!!

I've confronted a lot of my fears lately. I'm stating my fears out loud, which makes me vulnerable, but it's been freeing! Trusting others with my own doubts and fears is scary; speaking my doubts to others is scary. BUT I/we have to do this to gain personal strength. We have to be honest all the way around.

One of the hardest things in all this is trusting someone else with what scares me. You're probably saying ,"duh" to that statement, but...

I challenge you to choose one thing you are struggling with, one thing that makes you vulnerable, and share it with someone. It doesn't have to be something huge. Speak it out loud, even if it's to yourself while standing in front of a mirror. (Sometimes that can be very hard!) I will bet that once you do it you'll feel a definite difference in your ability to breathe!! Trust yourself, God, and one other person!