Merry Christmas! I just returned from midnight Mass that actually ended at midnight! That's ok though. It was beautiful and peaceful.

Tonight was the first Christmas in 28 years that I was not with anyone in my family. I've been slightly on edge this week and I'm sure that it is because I knew I would be without family.

I wasn't alone though. I had a friend come over, cook steak for me and spend the evening with me. He even went to Mass with me! The first time in his 50 years he's ever been to a Mass.

God was/is good to me. DUH! He didn't allow me or my friend to be alone tonight. Even if we had been physically alone, we would have had God with us. We are never alone, ever! What an awesome realization! Sometimes I "realize" this more than other times.

I am blessed!

Christmas is almost here! I'm ready and excited. It'll be a new and improved (?) Christmas this year. It'll be different in that I am no longer married and one of my children is now married. Wow, one short year and so much is different!

I have slowly been reconnecting with a person who was once my best friend. We had a falling out a couple of years ago. After spending some part of every day together we went to nothing. In the last couple of months though, we've been getting closer. It's nice. God has changed so much in my life in the last couple of years. This is just one more thing. It's amazing how He has a plan and that plan always works out for the best!

The last couple of days have been good. I've had some fun, gotten some things done, and relaxed too. This time of year is hard for lots of people and I thought it would be harder for me than it's been to this point. So far, so good. Again, I attribute the good to my wonderful friends and God. They have both taken care of me. I know I can rely on all of them.

I have found myself with a couple of opportunities to praise God and share Him with people close to me. Every time I do share my experiences with God, I feel wonderful all over again! I feel His power and glory every time I talk to some one else about Him.

I am blessed!

I've done it again. I've waited a long time between posts. I don't know that anyone is reading these anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. I treat it more like a journal than a public blog.

Why do women fight with each other? Why is it so hard for people to see or more to the point, admit their own faults?

Two of my friends are fussing with each other. Instead of talking it out, they are coming to me in the pretense of venting and talking to me about the situation. I say "the pretense of venting" because I'm pretty sure they're wanting their point of view to be validated by me! I get it!

I've told them both they need to sit down and hash it out. One of them claims she's tried that and the other won't do it. Well, the "other" has plans to go and hash it out! I can't wait to see how this goes!

The "one" talks about how the "other" has an attitude. In actuality, the "one" is pissed because the "other" will not do what the "one" wants her to! It's really funny cause they both have an attitude! The "other" at least knows this and knows it is a real problem for her, specifically.

The whole thing in a nut shell is they are both strong minded, women who want to be right all the time. They've met themselves in the other one and are getting a taste of what everyone else in their lives has had to deal with!!

Oh my! It's been a long time since I posted. I'm not sure what I've been doing, but I'm sure it was important!!

Not much has happened in my life since my last post. Well, nothing too different. Just like style recycles, events in life recycle too. The same things happen over and over again, but the names of those involved change!

Why do men put such a high premium on money and providing? I am thankful that it's important to them, but they take it to the extreme. If they make enough money to provide, then a woman is likely to hear she's not thankful or takes it and him for granted. If they don't make enough (in their eyes) to provide, then they, men, are willing to sacrifice a relationship because they don't feel adequate. When it comes to this issue, I can't seem to win.

Women are just as nuts too, but not about money. We can be so hard on one another. I have a wonderful friend, but she's really irritating me lately because all she wants to do is bitch about another friend. I listen, give suggestions, listen...

I can sympathize for a while, then something has to get done!! Confront the issues or shut up!

In both the man-money issue and the complaining friend issue I've been honest when confronted with them. I've told the man I'm not in the relationship because he has or does not have money. I've told the friend to confront the problem with the other friend or quit complaining. Hopefully they will both hear me. If they don't, I don't think I'll be spending too much time with either of them!

Not much happening right now. I'm listening to the rain and thunder as I write. I use to lay on a float in my pool and stare at the sky and marvel at its clarity. I would look at the trees and leaves and their vivid colors and be amazed at how perfect it all was. Now as I listen to the rain and thunder, I close my eyes and think about how this is just as clear as the blue sky. It's amazing and beautiful to think about nature and it's beauty and how it affects our lives.

This is so not me! Usually I'm too busy or too lazy to pay attention to nature. It's at times like these that I think God is trying to get me to listen for His will. In the past I would have found something else to do. Tonight I'm going to turn off the lights and listen.

This week is Thanksgiving. This is my favorite holiday. I love the Fall weather. I love the fact that it's one day and it's a relaxing day. People just get together and eat and talk and are generally happy. There are no expectations like at Christmas with the gifts and decorations.

I have wonderful childhood memories of Thanksgivings at my house with my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents...

We always played football and watched football. My aunts and uncles were so loving and I loved my cousins. The food was always good, but not the most important thing.

This year will be different for me and my children. This is the first Thanksgiving and the first holiday we'll celebrate as a family of divorce. It's also the first holiday I will include a son-in-law. It's all somewhat bittersweet. I'm a little nervous about cooking a turkey, actually a turkey breast! I've never cooked a turkey before! My mom or husband has always cooked or smoked the turkey. Should be interesting!!!

I will begin making new memories this week. At 50 years of age, I will begin making new memories...

I believe the first memory will be a happy one.

Well, it's been a while. I've been on the trip of a life time! I visited South Africa and had a great time. The country is beautiful! I was in Cape Town and then went to Kruger National Park. Both places were incredible. I am very thankful to have had the opportunity to take the trip. There were 37 of us in total, but my core group was four, including myself. I've traveled with these ladies before and this trip just reiterated how blessed I am to have these women in my life. One of the women is a life long friend, but I see her about once a year. The other two women I've seen only once before this trip, but we already have plans to meet in January and we're already planning our next big adventure!!

While I was away a lot happened in my family life. I had no idea what was going on here at home, but God took care of it all!! I know He will continue to bless me in all areas of my life.

I have had a wonderful night! I began a bible study a little over a month ago. I was down and trying to find something to fill my time. I had also been trying to find my way into a closer relationship with God. So, I asked a friend of mine who is always in some sort of bible study if she knew of one I could attend. Well of course she did. So now I'm studying The Patriarchs with Beth Moore.

I've always heard how wonderful Beth Moore's studies are, but attending a Catholic church I never had a chance to experience one. I am so blessed to have gotten this opportunity. She, Beth Moore, is wonderful. She is funny and real! She is the ultimate reality chick!

This week's lesson was on Isaac and his marriage to Rebekah. Actually it was on the beginning of their relationship. God is a romantic! This story rivals any romantic novel I've read!! We also began learning about Abraham's other son, Ishmael, and is connection to the Muslim religion. It is all so fascinating!

As I was listening and reading tonight I began to get excited and feel at peace. I have mentioned in previous blogs that I am in a transition in my life and I believe I've mentioned my transitioning relationship with God. Well, let me tell you, He is real and alive and working in my life.

I've struggled lately with what to write. I've wanted to keep things real, but I've not been comfortable writing what's been real in my heart. The reason is because God has been trying to get me to write about Him and what he's doing for me. I have been resisting this for a variety of stupid reasons! I'm not going to resist anymore. God has shown me, by hitting me in the head over and over again, that I am supposed to share my relationship with Him with you. I praise Him for continuing to hit me over the head until I finally got His message!

I'm not saying everything I write about will be God specific, but whatever I write about will be what He wants me, us, to know.

Peace is a wonderful thing!

It's Halloween and my doorbell didn't ring one time. It was probably the sign I put on the door stating I did not have candy! Is that bad of me? Honestly, Halloween irritates me. All the up and down and back and forth. I know, it sounds like I'm lazy and I guess maybe I am. But just keeping it real, it irritates me!!

I loved Halloween when my kids were in to it. I always had them dressed up and took them trick or treating. I loved it when I was a kid. I talked to a friend today whom I hung out with while growing up. We talked about how much fun we had in high school on Halloween. Some of the best costumes and most fun I had on Halloween was in college.

Now, however, I just turn my lights off and avoid the whole thing. Bah, humbug!

Ok, I'm 50 and beginning the dating scene again. You'd expect me to be rusty and unsure, right? To my amazement, I discovered that it doesn't matter your age or sex, when it comes to dating everyone is unsure!!

This weekend my son and a friend were visiting me. I love my son, but I have also come to love his friends very much! They know I will treat them like one of my own children. Anyway, this young man, (26 yr. old) received a text from a young lady he's been seeing for about 3 weeks. We had discussed this new relationship just before he received the text. We had talked about the fact that he likes her, but is unsure how to proceed in the relationship. He talked about not liking to "play the game."

So, he receives the text and laughs. He says, "Ok, this is what I mean. She just texted me. How long do I wait before answering her?" I about fell off the couch! That is exactly what I think when I receive a text from the gentleman I've been seeing!

I asked the young man why he thought he had to wait. He didn't have a definitive answer. Thinking about it in context to him, I thought the whole thing was so stupid. Wait? Why? You're sitting there with your phone right beside you. Why should anyone wait before answering a text? Do you wait to answer your phone when it rings?

The whole thing is silly and frustrating! You want to talk to someone, but then your afraid to talk to someone? What? HUH?

As I laughed out loud, I explained to him that I'd been going through the same thing. I told him to answer her, don't wait. I am not waiting anymore. If and when I get a text from a new person in my life, I'm answering without hesitation. Why do we play "the game?" It's a ridiculous game. We're all so afraid of rejection we can't enjoy the simplest of things.

I am letting the people in my life, children, family, and new people in my life that I care enough to answer their text immediately!! ;)

Life is pretty good. Things are moving along and going well. I had a big event last weekend and I have a big event coming up in about three weeks. I'm very excited, but apprehensive also.

I was thinking today about my life and the direction it is taking. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I think I'm about to make some big changes and I feel calm about it. Some people will think I'm nuts, but...

Whatever happens, I feel at peace. I have wonderful friends, a great family, and I'm ready for whatever happens.

If you've been following this blog, you're probably shaking your head at me!!

It's a roller coaster!

Young love or new love is so sweet. I am encouraged when I see people in love. Smiles are so genuine, looks between two people in love are deep and intense, faces are relaxed. It's a beautiful thing!

Now, do I want to be in love? I don't know. I believe what I want is to have that feeling of excitement that comes with discovering new love.

I'm not a big Reba fan, but she has a new song that says what I am trying to say. I think it's called Chelsea's Song or something like that. It's a conversation between an old man whose wife has died and a stranger. The man is talking about his late wife with love and affection. Reba sings that all women want "to be someone's Chelsea." I want to be someone's Chelsea.

If we're honest with ourselves we all want to be wanted and needed. We all want to be pursued, courted. There is nothing more uplifting than to know someone desires us in one way or the other.

The trick for women is to learn to lift ourselves up; to have the strength within ourselves to be happy and content with out a man having to tell us how wonderful we are.

As I've said in previous posts, I am learning to love myself and to be honest with myself. It really does feel good when I trust my instincts and do what's best for me. Although it's easier, I still have to talk myself through some things before trusting myself or God. I believe that is human nature and with practice can be overcome.

There is a woman I work with that is driving everyone crazy. She has managed to alienate herself from everyone she comes into contact with. She can not keep her hands out of things that do not concern her at all. She is always in someone else's work and 99% of the time messes things up. She does not understand boundaries at all!!

I have confronted her and I know for a fact three other people have also confronted her about her constant meddling. I do not understand why she thinks it's ok to insert herself into things that truly have nothing to do with her.

It's to the point that I will go the other way if I happen to see her coming in my direction. It's hard to constantly be irritated with someone and try to be nice to that person. Do you think these people realize no one likes them?!

She reacts in one of two ways when confronted. She either cries or looks stunned. I can't stand either reaction!

I know this post is... weird, but I felt the need to vent. Thanks for listening!

I was thinking about this blog today and wondering if I was being real. I am supposed to be "reality chick".

After rereading, I can say that I have been real. I've done some ranting, given some advice, asked some questions and it's all based on what's happening in my life. It may be boring or cliche, but it is real!

I wonder if it's just a journal for me? I really don't know if anyone reads it. When I think about someone else reading it I wonder what they think. I wonder if they roll their eyes and think, "Really? Get a life."

Well, that's what I'm trying to do! I have found that being able to write this stuff out and possibly have someone read it makes me be more honest with myself and makes me really think things through. I've also realized that it's kind of turned into a way for me to share my belief in God. It definitely was not meant to happen that way, but the 'reality' is that it has and I'm awestruck by that fact! God does work in mysterious ways, but I think we bring the mystery to the table, not Him!!

I continue to work everyday on myself and part of that includes hearing and obeying God's will for me. I will continue to share what's happening in my life. I am blessed to have this blog or public journal to help me! I will keep it as real as I possibly can.

Today was Monday and it was pretty good! I worked my face off today! I always feel good, as I'm sure you do, when I do a good job! It's very rewarding.

I was also given a challenge today and I passed! I had an opportunity to do something I've been wanting to do and afraid I'd not get the chance to do, but I was going to have to cancel something I've committed to in order to do it. In the past I would have probably canceled my commitment for fear of losing out. Well, I didn't cancel and I still get to do the other thing too, but on a different day. I know, I'm being very cryptic! Let me just say, I'm listening and obeying! It's a wonderful feeling letting go and allowing God to work!

I had big plans for this weekend, but the closer the weekend got those big plans began to change. My friends started backing out. One got sick and the others decided not to go for a variety of reasons. At first I was pretty put out. I did not want to spend the weekend doing nothing. I did not want to be alone!

Well, you know what, I was pretty much alone and it was ok. I did see my son and then had a quiet supper with a friend at her home, but I did not get dressed and go out on the town.

I really believe God was showing me that I will be ok if I am not with a bunch of people all the time. I've been afraid of being lonely. This weekend helped me to see that I need some time to myself. I need to be alone, without the prospect of having someone to turn to all the time, to know who I am.

I prayed to God a lot this weekend. I asked him to keep depression away. I asked him to give me strength to be by myself and to not dwell on things that I do not have control over. He answered my prayers! When I look back on this weekend, it was a good one. It was relaxing and I was/am happy. God answered my prayers in more than one way this weekend!

So, guess what? I do not understand men! I know this is a shock to everyone. I'm sure I'm the only female on Earth who has this problem. I don't know if I've said this before, but I'm going to say it anyway - Why did God make men and women soooo different and expect us to get along? Just a word of advice to any man that may read this - Do NOT ask a woman you know really likes you what she is doing "tomorrow evening" and then suggest possibly getting together and then NOT contact her at all!

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that's just... mean.

Wow, a lot has happened in the last several days. I have discovered that I need time to process things and I should never open my mouth until I have taken the time to process!

The hurt I was feeling at my last post is... gone. The self doubt is there, but diminishing. God is working on me and I am letting him. HE is taking care of me and I'm letting him.

I have admitted that the thing I have been most upset about these last several days is that I am now truly alone. No one is living in my house but me. There is no one depending on me to come home and maybe fix dinner or do laundry or get the mail or any of those things that have driven me crazy for the last 27 years. There is a small dog here, but he knows better than to depend on me!!

I've never been afraid to be by myself. I've always said I could live alone and be fine. That was easy to say when I thought that was never a true possibility. Now that it is reality it's hard to take in. Two important people in my life "left me" in the same week! That made for a very emotional week for me! I've had to admit to my fear and anger about it and acknowledge how vulnerable I am.

I turned to God and cried and prayed and then did it all again. I also turned to my amazing friends. Everyday I have felt better and stronger. Also, the two people who "left me" have been in my life pretty much about the same amount they've always been in it! The difference is that I'm not depending on them for my happiness! I plan my day with me in mind and no one else. I am taking responsibility for my happiness. I never realized how much I depended on others to make me feel fulfilled. I am responsible for myself. I put a burden on others when I depend on them, even when I don't realize that's what I'm doing, to make me happy. It's a different way of looking at things...

Well, things didn't work out the way I had hoped. My friend has backed off. I did get to apologize and the apology was accepted. Actually, he laughed at the fact that I was apologizing. Apparently he didn't think I'd been mean or out of line. Whatever.

Now I have to do what I said I'd do last night. I have to trust in God's plan. I have to trust that what my friend told me is true. I have to trust that this horrible feeling of hurt is leading to a new, wonderful phase in my life.

God promises that if we trust Him, peace and happiness will be ours. I'm not sure why we have to hurt so much to be happy, but sometimes we do.

On another note, today was not all hurt filled. In my last post I mentioned having to forgive people. This morning I called and told someone I forgive him and hope he will eventually forgive me. I told him I want him to be happy. I didn't get the response I expected, but you know what, I have felt such joy and peace since that conversation! It is awesome knowing that I can and will experience that feeling again. I just wish it would hurry and get here!!

Well, I've had one hell of a weekend. I pretty much screwed things up in my life by being completely selfish and by feeling sorry for myself and by jumping to conclusions and the list could go on and on. However, a very dear friend told me to stop being or more specifically stop saying such negative things, so I will stop.

I finally heard God. He had to hit me over the head and scare the crap out of me, but I heard him. I have to forgive some people and be honest with some other people and forgive myself and things will be great in my life. He's only been trying to get me to do this for a while now, but I've been going about it in my own way and at my own speed. SO, He stepped in yesterday. Whew! It had been building and I'd even been warned, but ya know I'm only human!

Seriously though, God about took away someone very special to me. Actually, He may still take him away, but at least I've been given a chance to apologize and try to convince my friend that I'm worth keeping! I will trust God with the whole matter.

I'm going to also forgive those people who have hurt me. That will be tough, but I will do it and mean it. I will be honest about the whole thing and hope I am forgiven too.

Trust God, humble yourself, and all things will be right in your world!

I can not stand not knowing...

There are so many things to put at the end of that sentence! Right now it's the fact that I don't know where I stand with someone. I don't know this person completely, but what I've learned in the past couple of months makes this whole situation so strange. Whatever is going on doesn't excuse the fact that we should all use common courtesies. When your asked a direct question you should give an answer. When a friend asks something of you, you should give them an answer one way or the other.

I've decided that I will get to the bottom of this situation, even if it brings some personal hurt. Hopefully there will not be hurt involved, but I would rather risk hurt than continue feeling like I do now. This is where, once again, I must trust God! I must trust that His plan is perfect and I will be happier when it's revealed. Intellectually I know all that, but emotionally, man, it's hard.

Thanks to my wonderful friends for supporting me today. You know who you are and I love you!

Ok, yesterday was not a good day for me. I am better today. I am feeling stronger, but I still have some doubt. Every time I feel the doubt coming in, I ask God for strength and I've felt Him.

I do find myself second guessing though.

I am over thinking every thing, I think! I don't like knowing where things are going or if things have stopped! So weird. That's where faith comes in. My mantra today has been, "no doubt, trust God, give it to God..."

I will continue to chant!

Oh my lord, will my doubting ever end!!!

I am so tired of doubting and and worrying over the dumbest things. I pray for faith and to have the strength to "give it to God," but I struggle.

I know some of it's human nature, but I have friends that give their car away because they have faith that God will provide for them and here I am worrying over relationships and being alone. That is pathetic! One day I am feeling great and good about myself and the next I doubt my worth or how others view me.

I am having a pity party tonight...

My head hurts and I can feel depression setting in. Is this God testing me...

Please say a prayer for me. I will return the favor!

Things in my life have changed drastically in the last year. I'm still amazed at the affects these changes have had on me. I look back at my life last year at this time and where it is right now and can't wait to see where things are next year at this time!

I can't decide if I have a little control or no control at all over my life! I know I have some control over basic things, but that's really it. So much of what goes on with any of us depends on other people and the choices they make. You'd think at my age I'd have some idea of how to handle things/people, but really I don't. People continue to amaze me. We are really selfish creatures. I don't say this out of anger. It's just true. I try not to be selfish, but I can see where some people would think I am.

I'm just rambling tonight. There are lots of things going through my mind...

I want answers about many different things. I'm not enjoying "the minute." I'm not listening for or trusting in God's plan. I am doubting myself too. I don't know...

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." Stacy London, What Not To Wear, said that tonight, but she is not the originator. She couldn't remember who said it first, BUT, I love it!!!!!! Nothing could be more true!

Think about it. Think about the feeling you have when you finally accomplish something you've been putting off, fearing, dreading, etc. That feeling is amazing because you got past the comfort of not putting yourself in a place you hadn't been before. You realize your not going to die because you did something you thought would be... whatever you thought it would be!

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." LOVE IT!

It's my goal to get to the end of my comfort zone everyday!

Again, it's been a while since I've blogged, but I've been putting my time to good use! I continue to work on gaining faith and trust in God and myself. I'm doing pretty good! It's taken me a while and I'm still working, but oh my gosh, it's so worth it!!

I've confronted a lot of my fears lately. I'm stating my fears out loud, which makes me vulnerable, but it's been freeing! Trusting others with my own doubts and fears is scary; speaking my doubts to others is scary. BUT I/we have to do this to gain personal strength. We have to be honest all the way around.

One of the hardest things in all this is trusting someone else with what scares me. You're probably saying ,"duh" to that statement, but...

I challenge you to choose one thing you are struggling with, one thing that makes you vulnerable, and share it with someone. It doesn't have to be something huge. Speak it out loud, even if it's to yourself while standing in front of a mirror. (Sometimes that can be very hard!) I will bet that once you do it you'll feel a definite difference in your ability to breathe!! Trust yourself, God, and one other person!

I wore the cutest dress to work today. I even wore wedges instead of flats with it! That's big for me! I am all about comfort and in my mind I was dressed up today!

The funny thing is that I WAS comfortable! I really was. My feet didn't hurt, I wasn't pulling anything away from or out of parts of my body!

Not only was I physically comfortable, but I was emotionally comfortable too. I was proud of the way I looked! People made several comments to me about how rested I looked, that I seemed to be in a good mood, and that the color of my dress was perfect for me.

I like the dress I wore, obviously or I wouldn't have bought it, but no matter how much I like it, if I didn't have inner confidence, strength, assurance, I wouldn't have been able to carry it off.

As I've stated before, I continue to work on these issues, but more and more I find that inner confidence, strength, and assurance. Do not give up on yourself!! I still have days of self-pity and days when I am very lonely, but I refuse to give up on myself. I try to keep busy, but I'm also finding that I can be comfortable by myself without being lonely. It's not always easy, but it is possible.

If you haven't seen the movie or read the book The Help, you need to.

"You is pretty." "You is smart." "You is important." These are words we all need to repeat to ourselves everyday!

I've been busy lately. That's no excuse, but that's why I haven't posted anything. Work has been crazy and so has my personal life.

You know I'm always talking about trusting yourself and having faith. Well, I continue to work on these two things. God continues to help me! He always answers me, thank goodness!

I have even gotten 'signs' from Him reminding me to trust Him. I'm always asking God to help me listen to Him, to hear His message for me. This weekend I found a necklace that I know He put in my path! It's a very dainty necklace with a sideways cross on it. Instead of hanging down, the cross is sideways and very small. The message on the packaging was as follows:

Whispers

the most beautiful things in the world are like whispers. they cannot be seen or touched... they must be heard by the heart. where your necklace as a reminder to listen.

I will continue to work on hearing what God intends for me.

I can actually feel God in my heart. It's amazing when I stop and listen and feel. A friend tells me all the time, "Stop and listen. He's trying to tell you what He wants!" Every single time I stop and listen I hear him. It's hard to stop, though! It's actually hard to stop long enough to hear Him!

Tonight I spent time on my couch with a wonderful person. We didn't say much at all. We didn't do anything but sit, watch some TV, and talk quietly. It was amazing. I realized I haven't been still in a long time. Better yet, my mind was still. I am still relaxed and it's been a while since I was on the couch.

My promise to myself is to spend more time being still and listening. It doesn't take much and it is so worth it.

I just made a list of things I want in and for my life moving forward from today. It was really easy! The hard part is going to be making the list a reality.
Sometimes I think I'm moving right along, doing what needs to be done to make things happen. Then I'm confronted with a situation that is directly involved with something on the list and I falter. In other words, I'm given an opportunity to accomplish or at least move a little closer to accomplishing something on the list and I hesitate or lack the courage to act. (Courage is something on my list!)
The ticket here is to acknowledge the fear and move forward anyway. I so admire people that can do that! These are the people who make millions of dollars or who are the happy, carefree people we all envy. These are the secure people in the world. Those that walk around naked, literally and figuratively, and never care or even realize they're naked!
Children are like this. They are so uninhabited, so fearless! They believe they can do anything and everything is play.
I know in reality that kind of life is not reality, but I so wish I had just a little bit of that inhabition and courage!

I spent part of today with four amazing women coming up with ideas for a webpage. I don't know three of these ladies very well, but I do know the more time I spend with them the more I want to know about them. We are all at different phases in our lives, but we, for lack of a better word, connect. I have found that each one of us offers something unique to the group. We feed off each other's creativity and work really well together.

A couple of days ago I was with a different group of women doing something totally different than today's activities. Again, each of us are at different phases in our lives, but we connect. We understand each other and support each other on a level men do not understand or relate to. I think maybe that's why we are so hard on each other.

I say all this to say this - I love my friends and I love the bond women share. I am so appreciative to the women in my life, all of you. My daughter, mother, sister, sisters-in-law, friends, acquaintances. All of you have taught me so much about life and happiness. There has been some sadness and anger too, but for the most part it is all good!

I am blessed!

There are BIG changes happening! Last year at this time my life was turned upside down. Now things are changing again and my life is topsy turvy, again. I had no control last year and I don't now either. Whew!

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger," "When a door closes, a window opens," "God never gives you more than you can handle." All these sayings are upper most in my mind, BUT I feel like I am not getting stronger, there are no windows opening, and I can not handle anymore!!

I know I need to trust God and His plans for me, but I am only human! I want to know how everything will turn out. I want to move forward with my relationships and work so I can see what these changes are bringing. I'm kinda wishing my life away! I need to sit back, have faith, and trust that God's plan for me is awesome!

I have always made friends easily. They are a necessary part of my life. My oldest friend has been in my life since I was an infant. Our mothers were friends before we were even a year old. I consider this woman a part of my family. We've been separated and not talked for years at a time, but we always come back together. Right now and probably for the rest of our lives we'll be close and in touch. We've gotten to the point in our lives where we appreciate our history and accept each other completely.

There are other people in my life that I call my best friends. I'm thinking of two women specifically. I see them almost everyday and they know things about me no one else will ever know! They are loyal to a fault and I know I can count on them for absolutely anything. They can also count on me for absolutely anything. They are different from each other and from me, but we've formed a unique bond and I am blessed to be loved by them.

There is another woman I consider a best friend, but I don't see her consistently. She is so unique and so different from me. She is a little scary to me! She has more faith and spirituality then anyone I know! I have learned more from this woman about faith and trust in God and in oneself than anyone else in my life.

I have another friendship that is in the development stage! This person trust me and I have shared things with her that I haven't shared with others. We have some "life similarities" and I guess for that reason we've begun to form a bond. I like to go out with her. We tend to "kick back" and just enjoy whatever is happening around us.

Then there's my sister. She has become a true "sister friend" in the last year. I love her! It's funny to me when I think about our relationship and how it's progressed over the years. She is awesome!

I've always had guy friends too. I have several now. One is someone from my adolescents. He's just come back into my life recently. We talk at least once a week and email and text too. He's always had my back and still does today. He's the guy that always liked me and wanted to go out, but our timing was always off and still is!

Another is a guy from college. I met him when I was dating my ex-husband. We were friends because they were friends. Now we are allies! He's been so supportive through my divorce. He is also divorced and has that "been there, done that" thing.

Both of these men live in different states than me, but even if we were next door neighbors, there really would be no chance of anything happening between us. They are truly friends!

I tell you all this because without these people I would not be me. They each have contributed to who I am and who I am becoming. They each play a role in my life and teach me things I need to move forward in my life. Even though they have different places in my life and my heart, they keep me honest and truthful with myself and even the world.

Embrace the people in your life. Allow yourself to trust the role of all of your friends. Trust yourself to be a friend too. You have so much to offer the people in your life. Be loyal to those around you. Do your best not to judge; accept and learn from differences.

I could not sleep last night. I'm not a night person, but at 11:00 last night I was wide awake. At midnight I turned my light off and slept for about 2 hours before waking. I was up for almost two hours. My mind was whirling. This happens sometimes, not often, but when it does my mind is always whirling. "Too many minds," is my explanation.

I wasn't thinking of too many things last night, but rather one thing, one person. My relationship with this person is new and interesting. I've never met anyone like this person. I have learned a lot from him. (Yes, it's a man.) I think God has put him in my life to help me trust myself. He has helped me to slow down, listen, and think about things. He has no idea that he is helping me find myself! Writing this blog is helping me find myself. At 50, I am finding myself! Crazy, but cool! Trust and reality are key to that happening. Everyday I am confronted with being open with myself and others in my life and it's scary, but so worth it!

Do you like to be alone? Do you fear it? I've never feared being alone. Matter of fact I've always enjoyed my alone time and still do, but things are different. In the past I always knew someone would be returning, my alone time was temporary. But now it's just me. This is going to take some getting use to! I've got to learn to do things by myself and be ok with that.

I have great friends, but they are uncomfortable with my 'aloneness.' I'm always being asked if I'm going out with someone or would I like to go out with someone. I think this is because they, the friends, aren't comfortable with me being alone. I love them for it!

It's ok to be alone. We, women, do not have to have a man in our life to be fulfilled. Now, this doesn't mean I don't want a man, sometimes, but I am responsible for my fulfillment.

I am re-learning things about myself that I'd forgotten. I am also trying new things, slowly, but nevertheless, trying! I am going places, in public, by myself. It's "very in-ter-esting!"

Last night I said I was going to be true to myself and confront someone about lying. Well, I did it today and it wasn't as liberating as I thought it would be. Getting things "off my chest" was/is a relief and having the truth finally admitted was like having a ton of bricks lifted off my shoulders. However, knowing that I caused someone pain (no matter that everyone swears to me it was deserved) is not a good feeling. I guess I'm not as tough as I like to think I am or portray to others!!

I still believe I, we, have to be honest and truthful, but it's hard stuff!! The fact that I have been honest with myself and those I've talked to about the situation is a huge step for me. The fact that I have admitted out loud that the whole situation has made me a little sick instead of joyful, revenge is not sweet, leads me to feel somewhat better.

I still say be honest. Be true to yourself. If we don't take care of ourselves, we will be taken advantage of. We are our only advocate. However, if you're not used to doing these things, be prepared for the awkward feelings you may experience!!

I've been away for the week visiting family. It was good, but hectic and bittersweet. I came home to a mess, but maybe I made more of it than necessary. What I've decided is I have to be true to myself. I have to do what's best for me, but not at the expense of others, especially those I love. I have to say what I feel, but in an honest and tactful way.

I have information about a situation that involves me directly and a couple of people I love dearly. I want to tell these people the truth, but I've decided that it's not my place to tell them the whole truth, but I'm also not going to hold back when they finally do hear it and question me about it.

I'm going to the source of the information and telling that person to come clean. I'm telling that person I'm not covering for them any longer. By doing this I'm "killing two birds with one stone." I'm letting the source of the information know I know the truth and I'm not covering for them any longer. If the conversation comes up, this person will know I'm not going to hold back. In doing this, my goal is to get the source to take responsibility for the situation they created.

I am going to be honest, just like I stated in an earlier blog. I am not going to lie. I feel like crap when I do, even when it concerns something trivial.

Be true to yourself! Do what's best for you because you have to live with yourself.

I've always been a forgiver... Not anymore

Why do people lie? Why do people, specifically those who profess to love us, lie to us? I'm not talking about "little white lies," but it's dumb to lie about "little things" anyway.

When confronted head-on with a specific question, some people will lie to your face and justify it by saying it's because they did not want to hurt you. What the liar doesn't think about is how it feels when you ultimately find out the truth (and we know the truth ALWAYS comes out). The hurt and betrayal felt at that point, in my mind and heart, is worse than if I'd been told the truth in the beginning. When the lie is exposed then I have to deal with the truth of the original lie and the fact that someone (who professed to love me) didn't think enough of me to tell me the truth in the first place.

I. HATE. LIARS.

You lie to me, I'm through with you. It's very empowering to me to say that and mean it! I know I have to forgive the lie, but I do not have to forget and continue to allow the liar to be a part of my life.

Yes, I'm angry today.

Lately it seems like I'm constantly questioning myself. I've always been a fairly confident person, but my life has drastically changed in the last year. Things I thought were a "sure thing" are no longer anything, much less a sure thing! I've tried to figure out what happened and how to go on, but, well, that's where the questioning comes in.

In the beginning I felt, weak, for lack of a better word. But now I've decided that it's ok to be confused, to question what's happened or happening. Just because I don't understand something having to do with me doesn't mean I'm weak. It means I'm human, normal; I don't have control of everything, especially other people's actions and feelings. Now, I have to remind myself of this almost everyday, but, that's ok, I needed an mantra!

I am learning to trust myself. I am learning to be ok if I do not understand everything. Change is part of life and I will embrace it... even if it kills me!

Welcome

Welcome to our new blog! By "our," I mean Best and Beautiful! You may or may not know about Best and Beautiful. It's an upcoming company focused on helping women realize their true worth. As part of B&B, I will be blogging about my life, the lives of the people around me, and always keeping it real and honest. My goal is to help and empower my self and all of you too! Keep reading...

Reality Chick

Introducing Reality Chick

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